Life’s Little Mishaps
***I never had a dream of what I wanted to be. I had people spewing ideas of what they believed I would be good at, but nothing ever clicked, as YES this is it; this is the one thing I want to pursue for the rest of my life. Then my junior year of high school came along, and the pressure to choose a college and career practically suffocated me. I only knew one thing; I did not want to go to Christian college. However, my dad asked me to at least consider visiting one, so I did. My senior year of high school we went and visited Oak Hills Christian College in Bemidji, MN. The second I stepped on campus there was no doubt in my mind where I was supposed to go the following year. That campus felt like home, and it was home for the following year and half of my life. I learned so much at that school. I learned to be spontaneous, to love adventure and most importantly, I found my heart for God. I don’t remember all of what they taught me in the classes or what their idea of ministry was, I just remember learning from what I read, from life, and from loving others. However, as the end of the school year approached it turned out that I had learned socially and spiritually but not academically. I was unable to attend the following semester. Unable to go back to school or find work in Bemidji, I moved in with my parents. Life was fine. I found a good job. I was successful at work. I was young, only 18, and ambitious. Everyone believed I would go far. But I became restless in small-town southwest Minnesota. I needed out. I was 19 and wanted adventure, so I moved out east to continue my education at a Bible college with a friend of mine. I spent almost 3 years at that school, and to this day I still don’t know how to describe it. Part of me has to fight not to hate them. They encouraged a life of rules and regulations. Obedience was a sign of love and desire to follow God. Most of our hours were spent in service to others. And if anyone had a disagreement with the schools doctrine or rules it meant that, their heart was not right with God. There are days I still blame them for ripping away my childlike faith and wonder in God. But the truth is I can’t hate the school because I still learned while I was there and I still made friends who impacted me and I will consider friends for life. By the time I left, my faith was shaken. I felt there really wasn’t anyone who would understand my viewpoint. On top of all that I had recently been through a break up that broke me and the dreams I kept tucked away. So there I was at another dead end, traveling back to my parents’ house with no plan, shaken faith, and a broken heart. This time, coming home felt different, I was older now, and hadn’t lived with my parents in a long time. I put a lot of pressure on myself to move out of the house. I needed to prove to everyone and especially myself that I wasn’t a hopeless wanderer, or child and that I could take care of myself and get somewhere in my life. I began going to school part-time, got a full-time job and moved out. My plan was to bring up my grades and finish college, get a career with my degree and finally be how I thought everyone viewed as a responsible person. Which brings me tonight, five and half years later, with one semester left. I already have my tassel and diploma holder in my hand, and I still don’t have an idea of what I going to do with my life, that terrifies me.But now I no longer have the past floating over my head or the pressure from myself or anyone else. So today, instead of feeling like a child when I messed up, I giggled and I felt like a human. I felt like a beautifully imperfect human who is succeeding in life has friends, a job or two to keep food on the table, and a roof over my head. I am not a big-picture kind of girl. I have never been able to zoom out and have a vision of what I am headed towards. But I know that each chapter of my life has been a piece of a puzzle, and if I keep working hard and enjoying life, one day it will all make sense.
Here are pictures of watercolor paintings I have been working on . Watercolor is really fun to work with. I love how easy it is to take out and put away. I have painted almost everyday this week! Slowly but surely I am learning how to control the brush and water.