Creative living, photos

Life’s Little Mishaps

  It’s a beautiful Monday evening and I just brewed myself a cup of coffee. Now I am sitting on my balcony listening to the river, while I have dirty dishes in my sink, this goo that was suppose to be stuffing on my plate, and a hole in one of my rugs. Today was a day filled with little laughable mishaps, and I couldn’t be happier.

***

I never had a dream of what I wanted to be. I had people spewing ideas of what they believed I would be good at, but nothing ever clicked, as YES this is it; this is the one thing I want to pursue for the rest of my life. Then my junior year of high school came along, and the pressure to choose a college and career practically suffocated me. I only knew one thing; I did not want to go to Christian college. However, my dad asked me to at least consider visiting one, so I did. My senior year of high school we went and visited Oak Hills Christian College in Bemidji, MN. The second I stepped on campus there was no doubt in my mind where I was supposed to go the following year. That campus felt like home, and it was home for the following year and half of my life. I learned so much at that school. I learned to be spontaneous, to love adventure and most importantly, I found my heart for God. I don’t remember all of what they taught me in the classes or what their idea of ministry was, I just remember learning from what I read, from life, and from loving others. However, as the end of the school year approached it turned out that I had learned socially and spiritually but not academically. I was unable to attend the following semester. Unable to go back to school or find work in Bemidji, I moved in with my parents. Life was fine. I found a good job. I was successful at work. I was young, only 18, and ambitious. Everyone believed I would go far. But I became restless in small-town southwest Minnesota. I needed out. I was 19 and wanted adventure, so I moved out east to continue my education at a Bible college with a friend of mine. I spent almost 3 years at that school, and to this day I still don’t know how to describe it. Part of me has to fight not to hate them. They encouraged a life of rules and regulations. Obedience was a sign of love and desire to follow God. Most of our hours were spent in service to others. And if anyone had a disagreement with the schools doctrine or rules it meant that, their heart was not right with God. There are days  I still blame them for ripping away my childlike faith and wonder in God. But the truth is  I can’t hate the school because I still learned while I was there and I still made friends who impacted me and I will consider friends for life. By the time I left, my faith was shaken. I felt there really wasn’t anyone who would understand my viewpoint. On top of all that I had recently been through a break up that broke me and the dreams I kept tucked away. So there I was at another dead end, traveling back to my parents’ house with no plan, shaken faith, and a broken heart. This time, coming home felt different, I was older now, and hadn’t lived with my parents in a long time. I put a lot of pressure on myself to move out of the house. I needed to prove to everyone and especially myself that I wasn’t a hopeless wanderer, or child and that I could take care of myself and get somewhere in my life. I began going to school part-time, got a full-time job and moved out. My plan was to bring up my grades and finish college, get a career with my degree and finally be how I thought everyone viewed as a responsible person. Which brings me tonight, five and half years later, with one semester left. I already have my tassel and diploma holder in my hand, and I still don’t have an idea of what I going to do with my life, that terrifies me.But now I no longer have the past floating over my head or the pressure from myself or anyone else. So today, instead of feeling like a child when I messed up, I giggled and I felt like a human. I felt like a beautifully imperfect human who is succeeding in life has friends, a job or two to keep food on the table, and a roof over my head. I am not a big-picture kind of girl. I have never been able to zoom out and have a vision of what I am headed towards. But I know that each chapter of my life has been a piece of a puzzle, and if I keep working hard and enjoying life, one day it will all make sense.

***

Here are pictures of watercolor paintings I have been working on . Watercolor is really fun to work with. I love how easy it is to take out and put away. I have painted almost everyday this week! Slowly but surely I am learning how to control the brush and water.

2016-08-07 13_Fotor

This is the one acrylic piece I painted this week!  I needed one more heart painting on my wall. 🙂

2016-08-17 21_Fotor 2016-08-17 22_Fotor 2016-08-17 20_Fotor 2016-08-09 21_Fotor 2016-08-07 20_Fotor

Please follow and like us:
RSS
Follow by Email
Facebook
Pinterest

2 Comments

  1. Stephanie

    August 18, 2016 at 3:12 am

    I am 46 and finally just two classes away from my bachelor’s degree. But, I still do not know what I want to do when I am done. I never have had that overwhelming knowledge of what I want to do with my life. I envy those that seem to know and often wonder what is wrong with me. Maybe, just maybe, we are supposed to just do what is right at this moment. Do we need a title of what we do in life as validation that we are smart, responsible, reliable? It seems that way sometimes. I am trying to stop myself from thinking that way and believing that others are judging me because I do not have a “real job” and title. Maybe just trying to be a happy and positive force on this earth is what we should strive for.

    1. Alyssa

      October 12, 2016 at 7:00 pm

      Stephanie, you know I loved this comment the first time I read it. But today I needed a reminder of how far I have come so I came to re-read this post. I think that you are right, maybe we are suppose to just do what is right at this moment and do it with our whole hearts. It is also comforting to know that someone I look up to has had the same feelings through life. Thank you!

Leave a Reply